Being Set Up

BEING SET UP

You may have been in a relationship for many years, but, as often happens, your partner may be looking for a chance to set you up. Regardless of the motivation – anger, revenge, or just a desire to get an advantage in the divorce, it happens all the time.

A mild mannered mom who has spend many years staying at home caring for the kids, and a husband who has been increasingly verbally abusive. They are in the kitchen, and he is belittling her, ridiculing her, and running her down for the hundredth time. She’s humiliated and a little angry. He turns his back on her, and bends over to pick up something on the floor. She kicks him in the hind end. (Not that he didn’t deserve a good swift kick in the butt). He immediately calls 911, and the wife is charged with assault-domestic violence. The husband files for a divorce, and asks the court to place the children with him. After all, his wife is violent, and, according to the husband, a drunk. The court agrees that it is safer to leave the kids with the husband, and the wife is out of the house with no kids, no money, and no job.

In another example, a husband comes home from work and wife is screaming at him. Most nights the anger is directed at some little thing that he has done or failed to do, but regardless, he is showered with abuse. Finally, one night he goes to bed, but is woken a little later by the wife standing at the foot of the bed screaming at him. He has had enough, and yells back. He is so angry, that he punches a hole in the bedroom wall. The wife calls 911, and the husband is arrested for malicious mischief-domestic violence. The wife files for divorce, and the husband is not allowed unsupervised contact with the kids, forced to go through a year’s worth the anger management counseling, and in the end has little to no contact with his children.

I’ve seen dozens of these stories unfold in my practice. I can’t prove that the "assault" was contrived, but I know that in at least some cases they were nothing more than a set up. Why spend the money and time fighting over the kids in a divorce, especially if you are likely to lose, when a little premeditated hi jinks can get the job done?

If your relationship is getting kind of rocky, it is time to get some advice from someone that deals with this kind of thing every day. You can usually get a free consultation, and the information you receive can go a long way toward helping you protect yourself. Know what to look out for, and know how to protect yourself. Getting some good advice can only help, and if all works out well in your relationship all you have done is invest a small amount of time in getting good advice.

Vicious Cycle

Vicious Cycle

            If the time ever comes that the relationship is on the rocks, maybe you can learn from others.  I’ve worked with many people in this position, and in almost every case the end result is determined by whether my client has the ability to just walk away for a while.  It may sound like a small thing, but many just don’t seem to have the strength to do so.

            It can start out really simple.  The wife or girl friend gets a two week protection order.  During the two weeks, you just have to talk to her, text her, e-mail her, have a friend or family member get in touch with her.  If you could only talk, everything would be just fine.  And in fact, you might talk to her and believe that you are on the path to working through your problems.

            Let’s do a reality check.  The two quick calls where you left a message and told her how much you cared, the four text messages where you said the same thing, the long love letter e-mail, and the call you asked your mother to make can and often are separate criminal offenses.  Each offense, in this case eight, is punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. 

            Don’t think it will happen, well it can and it does.  To make matters worse, after a couple of convictions for violations of protection orders, any future violation can be charged as a felony.  What started as an innocent attempt to work out your relationship problems can turn into years in jail or prison.  While you sit in a cell, you lose your home, children, job, and your ability to find decent employment once you get out.

            This is not a rare occurrence.  It happens all the time, and most of the people involved are still saying how they didn’t want to hurt her, they only wanted to make up, right up until they are transported to prison.

            Even if she says, “don’t worry about the protection order – I’ll get it dismissed”. “ I need to see you.”  “The kids need you.”  “I’m so sorry,  I didn’t mean it.”  IT DOESN’T MATTER!  If you are reported in violation of the protection order, you will go to jail.

            Take my advice, regardless of your emotional state, give it a rest.  If there is any hope of making things right, a little time apart won’t make any difference.  Get in to see an attorney right away, and follow that attorney’s advice.  Regardless of how innocent it seems, if you don’t protect yourself very bad things will happen.