Planning Parenting When You're Not Married

Planning Parenting When You’re Not Married

               It happens all the time.  It could be a long term relationship or it could be a very brief relationship, but what happens when a child is born?  Many people try to “deal” with the situation through self-help.  I’ve seen many cases, and addressing issues through promises and informal agreements seldom work for long.

               The law provides for back child support to be assessed for up to 5 years.  This can place a parent in a situation where all the groceries, rent, bills paid, clothes, toys, etc. are characterized by the court at a later date as gifts and not child support.  I have seen parents saddled with over $30,000 in back child support, and required to pay future support.  I have seen parents “work out” a parenting arrangement that seems to suit their needs when the child is young, but falls apart as the child gets older.  A common issue that I see is one parent simply refusing to allow visits by the other parent.  This can be anger over that parent having a new person in their lives, the desire to coerce a parent into obeying his or her rules and demands, or for no real reason at all.

               The appropriate and safe thing to do is to get court orders that protect all parties right away.  This will give both parents legally enforceable rights, and make clear each parent’s responsibilities.  This process does not have to be a battle, it can be a cooperative and constructive process that can really help the parents build the kind of trust necessary to co-parent.  The orders that come out of this process can be drafted to reflect the evolving needs of the child, and help reduce conflict later in the child’s life.  It is the responsible thing to do, and it is the right thing to do for the child.

               Especially in cases where the parents have grown apart or never really had a close relationship, the appropriate court orders can set a framework for future parenting decision making.  In so many cases, the parents eventually move on to build new relationships and new families.  When parenting issues are first addressed at that time, the demands of these new relationship can get in the way of coming up with a plan that is focused primarily on the best interests of the child.

               If you are expecting a child or if you have a child where the support and/or visitation is unresolved, a consultation with a family law attorney can really help you understand the complexities of crafting a workable solution.  Rarely will the problem just “go away”.  It is up to you as the parent to ensure that right things are done to protect your child