Parents with no relationship with the other parent

Parents with no relationship with the other parent:

Frequently I work with a parent who has no real relationship with the other parent. The extent of their relationship with the other parent might be very brief prior to the birth of the child. Parenting is hard enough when you know the other parent well, and have a long relationship history. What do you do when you hardly know the other parent?

Frequently, I see parents that may have hard feelings toward the other parent in these circumstances. “You weren’t there to give me emotional support during the pregnancy.” “You have shut me out of my child’s life.” “I have no interest in you playing a part in my child’s life.”

There are several things that can help. Get some professional counseling to help you address your feelings about the child, lack of relationship, and how to manage your future relationship with the child. If you can talk to the other parent, co-parenting counseling is widely available. It helps both of you understand how to work together to raise a child (even when there is no personal relationship between the two parents). If the parents can recognize that it is the child’s best interests that come first, and that the involvement of both parents is a positive for the child, learning to co-parent can be a rewarding experience.

Too often, the father of the child will have little or no contact with the mother or child in the early days. (I often see cases where the father didn’t even know he was having a child until after the birth!) Washington law allows either parent to seek an appropriate Parenting Plan and Order of Child Support. If either parent is proactive, the parents can both have a meaningful relationship with their child from the beginning.

Putting off getting a Parenting Plan can adversely impact your future time with the child. Our courts are frequently concerned when one parent has little contact with the child (for any reason) and then wants to be involved in a significant way. The thinking is that a bond needs to be established with the parent and child early on, and, if it is lacking, it can take years to work up to normalized contact.

As soon as you are aware of the pregnancy – get involved. Take age appropriate parenting classes, attend medical appointments, and be there at the birth. Showing your attention to the mother and child can go a long ways toward keeping you involved in the child’s life. If you are the mother, involving the father can go a long ways toward avoiding conflict later.